My Ex’s New Interest: How Do I Stop Caring?
Getting over an ex can be tough enough, but when you find yourself preoccupied with his new romantic endeavors… instead of your own, it’s time to regroup and reset pronto!
Dear Charly,
How do you stop caring that your ex is with someone new? This ex
treated me horribly–so I shouldn't even care who he sees and just
feel bad for her…but I cant help but worry maybe he changed and maybe
the problem was me and that is why he treated me badly…and that he
is a better person now because she is better.
-Katie
Hello Katie,
Getting over an ex can be tough enough, but when you find yourself preoccupied with his new romantic endeavors… instead of your own, it’s time to regroup and reset pronto! The first key to redirecting your attention is understanding why you care. In your case there are two main pieces that are not only connected to each other —they’re also keeping you connected to your ex and his current relationship:
(1) You’re secretly curious about whether your ex’s new love interest is getting more from him than you did, and what that means about you if she is…
because…
(2) You’re wondering if you caused the problem in your relationship, which means what you’re most preoccupied with is: whether you could have controlled how your ex chose to treat you, as well as what you experienced in your relationship with him.
In truth you’d like to believe that your ex’s new interest isn’t getting anything better than what you got from him. The reality is… you know that she might be. That awareness is precisely what keeps you caring about them, as well as wondering if you’re to blame for losing out on your love-go-round with your ex.
So how do you regroup?
First accept that your ex has moved on, which means you don’t get a “redo.” Redirect your focus onto your present and future by strategically assessing what took place solely for the information that will empower you to create the results you want in your next relationship. Understand that while the tendency to run through new scenarios using your old relationship as a model is tempting, doing so keeps you mentally & emotionally attached to that relationship. It also prevents you from experiencing the benefits of what you could gain because you’re considering imaginary scenarios instead of applying your dating data with a real person where you can check it out and get actual results.
Without knowing what your ideal relationship looks like, I do know being treated horribly was not on your list. I applaud your willingness to consider your role in the overall results, however there are no excuses for someone treating you that badly. Give yourself a break. Accept that you don’t have the power to control a relationship or a person, which means you’re never the sole reason for what goes wrong either.
If your ex is better with his new love than he was with you, understand that it doesn’t mean she’s miraculously better in the relationship than you were. Even if you had acted differently, the fact your ex was comfortable treating you as horribly as he did proves something was fundamentally wrong about the two of you together. We all bring out different things in each other, however there are no excuses for someone choosing to treat you that poorly, so stop beating yourself up about it. Your ex may act better because after you, he decided to take more responsibility for his behavior. The good news is that better results await you too —and they’ll come as soon as your focus is back on you.
Resetting comes from getting clear about where you are, what you’ve learned and what you want in the future. You can use your past experience with your ex to help you define all of those things. If you recognize you acted in ways you’re not proud of, make the necessary alterations in your next relationship.
Every relationship is a lesson; your value comes from recycling what you experience into insight that helps you. Then use your new found wisdom about you and what caused problems in your previous relationship(s) to attract and sustain a better suited partner for you. By making your past serve your present you’ll be thankful you dated and dumped his ass. If you want some additional help poising yourself for the relationship you want with power, and bouncing any baggage to the curb… pick up a copy of Thank Goodness You Dumped His Ass—Use Those Mr. Wrongs to Lead You Straight to Mr. Right. It’s got all the straightforward strategies to help you own who you are in and out of the dating/relationship realm for the best life and love have to offer. Cheers to your best relationship ever Katie!
